Don't believe everything you read.

There is a lot of dumb stuff in the world. Due to sheer statistics some of it is written down.

I really do feel bad because I pick on this guy's blog a lot. Its one of two marriage blogs that I actually read so maybe that says something positive about it.

Seriously though... a post on snoring? Are there so few marriage problems in the world that we need to know how to deal with a spouse that snores? .... .... .... .... that was me snoring because I fell asleep because I was bored.

After a re-read I realized its a guest post, but it doesn't change the fact that its a post proposing that snoring is a valid marital issue. If you think snoring is your worst problem, you are either in denial or you complain too much (you are probably in denial).

My favorite line:

"...a leading cause of resentment in marriage stems from dealing with a snoring issue at night."

10%

Whats more important? Being right or being loving? By observing the world around me, especially the marriages, it seems like being right is more important. A husband will talk down to his wife because she (stupidly) thought the double cheeseburger was still on the Mcdonald's dollar menu. Unbelievable! How can she be such a thickheaded imbecile!?!

Its not just husbands and wives though. I've argued to the point of loudness about whether or not Paul Walker was in Scream. Who cares? Why did I make such a big deal of it? Pride; because I need everyone to know that I know a ton of stuff.

Its dumb. In any relationship you will screw up. Thats why its important to err on the side of being loving. You're only paying attention and being intentional like 10% of the time. So you better make damn sure that 10% makes up for the 90% your on autopilot. Of the 90% your on autopilot you're probably pissing someone off half the time. Some of your numbers may vary.

Cheese and say smile

So....

Its a shame that there are so many cheesy blogs on marriage written by girls.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I think one of those is written by a dude... but its hard to tell. None of the content is bad or wrong. Its mostly pretty good. Its just girly and cheesy.

Authenticity and manliness probably should play a big role in healthy marriages. One post I read (sorry can't find the link) said that spouses should have a 15 minute quiet time where they just sit and look at each other everyday. Thats weird. I'm not saying it would never help anyone but damn... just take a walk. Why do you have to make it sound so cheesy?

The more I pay attention, the more I think it rises and falls on who you chose as a spouse. This is scary considering most people met their spouse in their early twenties when they don't know anything about anything.

This looks interesting.

Foundations of Marriage: small things multiplied by small things equal big things.

Its simple really, but its probably the most profound piece of knowledge I've learned in marriage. It applies to all relationships.

If I want to have a good marriage I don't drive to the good marriage store and pick one up. I have to make thousands of, what could seem like in isolation, meaningless decisions to be in a good marriage.

But it goes both ways. I could neglect to make thousands of decisions precisely because they don't matter. My favorite show is on, she'll understand if I don't help with the dishes. The gas station is busy, she can fill up before she goes to work tomorrow.

There is no magic bullet. Just be a good spouse everyday. Make the small decisions. Even when its not fun (it usually will be). Simply being faithful to your spouse is important but its not enough. You need to be intentional, you owe it to yourself and the ones you love.

You'll thank yourself. You'll respect yourself.

Make the right decisions, pay attention to the small ones especially.

Your ticket to relationship bliss

It seems like a lot of problems in relationships comes from the feeling that one person isn't receiving the credit that they feel is due. That credit can take the form of affection, words, gifts, sex, time, attention, and even money in some relationships (i.e. work).

So this kind of thinking works in most relationships. If I'm not giving someone the credit that is due to them I'd like to know about it. I can either give them the credit that is due or explain why I don't think its due. Its very clear. Very black and white. The problem is when this thinking runs over to marriage. What credit I am receiving is irrelevant at some point. If I picked a good spouse than what matters is what credit I am giving. Are my spouses feelings of credit fulfilled? Does this mean I am not supposed to communicate what bothers me?

It sounds like I'm championing a kind of marriage that says if you can suck it up you can make it through. I'm not sure but that will probably lead to a miserable marriage and life.

Its not that you have to suck it up but you do have to worry about the others feelings first. You need to spend more energy on their desire for credit and fulfillment than you do on your own.

That doesn't mean you forget about your own.

If I have to take a plane somewhere I buy a ticket first. That doesn't mean I forget about actually getting on the plane.

Without the ticket, I can't get on the plane. Without your spouse feeling credited and loved and fulfilled and whatever else the next author will call it you won't be any of those things either.

Heres where this often breaks down. You try to logically convince your spouse why he/she is receiving the credit due. - OR - You apologize for not giving the correct amount of credit and hope it all goes away. Neither of those will work. Read any relationship book and they'll tell you two things. 1) Your spouses feelings are their feelings, don't try to reason them into feeling something different because its not sustainable and you'll both explode or implode. 2) Repeat apologies for the same thing without behavior change makes you look dumb, even to your spouse, and you lose their respect (which turns out to matter a lot).

All this is assuming you picked a good spouse. I don't really know what to tell you if you picked a bad one... I'd probably start by reading a different (better) blog.

Influence vs control

There are a lot of times in life when you want someone else to act in a desired way. Its faster and strokes our ego to control them into behaving the way we want them too. This is manipulation. Think Benjamin Linus on the TV show Lost. He manipulated everyone and always got his way. Turns out he lived a pretty miserable and lonely life.

Influence is created through grace, connectedness, friendship, and other really great positive things.

Ask yourself: are you seeking influence or control in the lives of the people around you?

How does that play out in marriage? Talk amongst yourselves.

Death by paper cut syndrome

Most relationships suffer from (what I call) "death by paper cuts" syndrome.

Lets say someone was actually sentenced to an insanely inhumane death by paper cuts. Once they have died would you ask yourself which cut really did them in? Which tiny little incision was the smoking gun? No, because you recognize that, in isolation, a regular paper cut can't possibly kill a somewhat healthy human. It was the sum of all the cuts that did the real damage.

Thats how relationships are. Of course there are physically and mentally abusive relationships that are less paper cut and more grenade launcher but thats not what I'm talking about here.

I'm talking about arguments over which drawer to put the spatula in that turn into an all out religious crusade.

Its obviously not about a spatula.

Start noticing paper cuts now before blood pressure starts to drop. If you don't think you've ever received or gifted a paper cut, you're probably already losing blood pressure.

**edit** Heres the closest thing I could find to an actual death by paper cuts.