Cheese and say smile

So....

Its a shame that there are so many cheesy blogs on marriage written by girls.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I think one of those is written by a dude... but its hard to tell. None of the content is bad or wrong. Its mostly pretty good. Its just girly and cheesy.

Authenticity and manliness probably should play a big role in healthy marriages. One post I read (sorry can't find the link) said that spouses should have a 15 minute quiet time where they just sit and look at each other everyday. Thats weird. I'm not saying it would never help anyone but damn... just take a walk. Why do you have to make it sound so cheesy?

The more I pay attention, the more I think it rises and falls on who you chose as a spouse. This is scary considering most people met their spouse in their early twenties when they don't know anything about anything.

This looks interesting.

Foundations of Marriage: small things multiplied by small things equal big things.

Its simple really, but its probably the most profound piece of knowledge I've learned in marriage. It applies to all relationships.

If I want to have a good marriage I don't drive to the good marriage store and pick one up. I have to make thousands of, what could seem like in isolation, meaningless decisions to be in a good marriage.

But it goes both ways. I could neglect to make thousands of decisions precisely because they don't matter. My favorite show is on, she'll understand if I don't help with the dishes. The gas station is busy, she can fill up before she goes to work tomorrow.

There is no magic bullet. Just be a good spouse everyday. Make the small decisions. Even when its not fun (it usually will be). Simply being faithful to your spouse is important but its not enough. You need to be intentional, you owe it to yourself and the ones you love.

You'll thank yourself. You'll respect yourself.

Make the right decisions, pay attention to the small ones especially.

Your ticket to relationship bliss

It seems like a lot of problems in relationships comes from the feeling that one person isn't receiving the credit that they feel is due. That credit can take the form of affection, words, gifts, sex, time, attention, and even money in some relationships (i.e. work).

So this kind of thinking works in most relationships. If I'm not giving someone the credit that is due to them I'd like to know about it. I can either give them the credit that is due or explain why I don't think its due. Its very clear. Very black and white. The problem is when this thinking runs over to marriage. What credit I am receiving is irrelevant at some point. If I picked a good spouse than what matters is what credit I am giving. Are my spouses feelings of credit fulfilled? Does this mean I am not supposed to communicate what bothers me?

It sounds like I'm championing a kind of marriage that says if you can suck it up you can make it through. I'm not sure but that will probably lead to a miserable marriage and life.

Its not that you have to suck it up but you do have to worry about the others feelings first. You need to spend more energy on their desire for credit and fulfillment than you do on your own.

That doesn't mean you forget about your own.

If I have to take a plane somewhere I buy a ticket first. That doesn't mean I forget about actually getting on the plane.

Without the ticket, I can't get on the plane. Without your spouse feeling credited and loved and fulfilled and whatever else the next author will call it you won't be any of those things either.

Heres where this often breaks down. You try to logically convince your spouse why he/she is receiving the credit due. - OR - You apologize for not giving the correct amount of credit and hope it all goes away. Neither of those will work. Read any relationship book and they'll tell you two things. 1) Your spouses feelings are their feelings, don't try to reason them into feeling something different because its not sustainable and you'll both explode or implode. 2) Repeat apologies for the same thing without behavior change makes you look dumb, even to your spouse, and you lose their respect (which turns out to matter a lot).

All this is assuming you picked a good spouse. I don't really know what to tell you if you picked a bad one... I'd probably start by reading a different (better) blog.